Growing and Maintaining Friendships as New Mom
Motherhood is messy and all-consuming. It can feel isolating even on the best days. It can be hard to take care of anything other than your baby, particularly friendships. Some people notice even during pregnancy that friendships begin to shift. Others may not realize until they have a moment to breathe that it would be nice to be with friends and that it’s been a while.
Why do friendships change postpartum?
Friendships change for so many reasons after becoming a mom. Maybe you’re no longer interested in the same activities you once were. Or maybe you’re interested, but you’re just too tired to have a late night out when you know you’ll have an early morning. It may be challenging to get away for time with friends, especially if you don’t have family or others you trust to help watch your child. Friends may also not understand the new demands on your plate. Why can’t you just come out? Why do you always want to help put your baby to bed? Even the making of plans often changes. It’s so much harder to get out last-minute without planning and coordinating in advance.
So what can you do to help nurture your friendships?
1) Communication is key. Since your time is more limited, try to communicate to friends that they are important to you, and that you want to make time for them. Communicate your needs to friends as well. Maybe you don’t want to go out late at night, but you’d love to meet for brunch, a walk, or a coffee. 2) Try to positively reinforce your friends who reach out by saying things like “It’s so nice to hear from you!” This can help friends - especially those who don’t have children of their own - know that not only are they not bothering you, but that you’re glad they’re checking-in. 3) Once your baby is a few months old, you’ll likely be trying to get out of the house. To nurture new friendships, try going places where other parents are. Maybe your baby is in daycare. Or maybe you try taking your baby to a music class. Strike up a conversation with another mom - perhaps it can turn into a playdate, and over time, perhaps a new friendship.
Mental health symptoms postpartum can also interfere in friendships
Sometimes it may also feel challenging to keep up with friendships because new problems have popped up. Maybe you’re experiencing postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety, and so it’s hard to get out of bed or hard to leave your baby without excessively worrying about how they’re doing while you’re gone. Maybe social anxiety is flaring up after spending more time at home alone with your baby. You start to worry others may judge you, or judge your parenting. This then makes it so hard to want to (or feel able to) connect with other people. If you notice symptoms like these interfering in your life and your relationships, therapy can help. Therapy can also help with communicating more assertively if this is something you struggle with.
Last thoughts…
Building and maintaining friendships as a parent - especially a new parent - is really challenging. No matter how well you try to communicate with others, there will ultimately be some friendships that change once you become a parent. And that’s OK. Truthfully, we are all always changing, and so are our relationships. Postpartum is a time where the changes are bigger and more noticeable. Recognizing who is continuing to put forth effort into your friendship is so important. Recognizing who makes you feel good is important. Accepting the reality of what truly is with your friendships is important so you can decide if and how you’d like to continue trying to work to grow the relationships.
If you’re in Colorado or Illinois and you’d like to get started with individual therapy for postpartum anxiety, you can contact me, Dr. Liz Culnan, at Mindful Health Psychology.
About Dr. Liz Culnan | Denver, CO & Chicago, IL
Dr. Liz Culnan is a licensed clinical health psychologist with specialized training in the areas of perinatal/reproductive mental health and behavioral sleep medicine. She is passionate about supporting women through reproductive and life transitions. Learn more here.
Other services offered at Mindful Health Psychology:
Mindful Health Psychology is a practice offering online therapy for Denver, CO, Chicago, IL and beyond in the states of Colorado and Illinois. We specialize in therapy for anxiety, depression, depression and anxiety during pregnancy, postpartum anxiety and depression, coping with miscarriage and pregnancy loss, PMDD, coping with fertility-related stressors, birth trauma, coping with a chronic medical condition, insomnia, nightmares, circadian rhythm disorders, and hypersomnia disorders. We provide online therapy, making treatment more accessible, which means you can be located in Denver, Chicago, or another city in Colorado or Illinois to receive services.